scraping the bowels

He walked out of the tiniest bathroom of the tiniest bachelor apartment I had ever squished my parched self and a six-pack of Stella into, and nodded to D.: "I like the reading you keep in the office. You can tell a lot about a man by what he keeps on the toilet tank." And that's how Adoring and Wonderful Husband decided that D., previously a mystery, was, in fact, a cool dude: he laid out an Uncle John's Ultimate Bathroom Reader for the viewing pleasure of his guests. (So much more practical than a coffee table book of sea shells.)

Had a couple runny eggs for breakfast? The resultant five-minute trip to the throne could yield you fodder for your next date about how the average human foot has about 20,000 sweat glands, and can produce as much as half a cup of sweat per day. (Okay, a bad date.) Two too many Guinnesses the night before (and maybe a shot of Prairie Fire thrown in for kicks?) The necessary half-hour stay in Loo-Land is an Uncle John's PhD equivalent; three-pages about the biggest ever fire in London in 1666 keeps your mind off your own ring of fire, if you know what I mean.

My own toilet tank inventory tonight yielded interesting results. We normally prefer the latest Economist because of its short, crisp articles that one can get through in just a pee (though there often is a 14-page special report to entertain on those nights when the meat was just a smidgen undercooked). Our subscription to that great trumpet of the trickle-down theory was sadly out of reach earlier when I was, well, trickling-down, and instead I found a trusty old stand-by that Adoring and Wonderful Husband often pulls out in cases of emergency, Just Give'r, A Handguide by Terry and Dean (a signed copy no less; Dave D. would be so proud). Also, the February 2007 edition of Today's Parent (free from the doctor's office), an early January Maclean's swiped from my parent's house (cover story: "Why do we let our daughters dress like skanks?" Uhh, because if we do, MACLEAN'S WILL PUT THEM ON ITS COVER IN A DESPERATE EFFORT TO SELL MORE MAGAZINES, MAYBE??), and, finally, The Running Room Magazine, January/February 2007, featuring cross-Canada images from the Santa Shuffle. Who knew you could experience the runs in more ways than one?