letter from mommy, month two

Dear Bohdan,

Wow. Happy two month birthday, little sweetie. I thought I would use this forum to do what I have wanted to do since I first found out you were in my belly - write you letters. I don't know why this has taken me so long; inertia, I guess. If you grow up lazy, you know where you got it from, kid.

I can't believe how quickly the last eight weeks have flown by, and how much you've changed since the day you were born. And how I can barely remember what life was like before you got here. And how no matter how much I might sometimes lament for the freedom that Single Me enjoyed, I would never, ever trade even just these last two months I've had with you for any wild and crazy party in the world. Even if there were six disco balls at the party and a smoke machine. Seriously.

Okay. Seriously for real now. Boh - you are the love of my life. I know that already even though you are so small, so fragile, and I barely know you yet. But what I do know of you so far, I am blown away by. You have the most wonderful disposition of any baby I've ever met. You are always happy, ready to learn about the world, and trusting of everyone who crosses your path. Because of you, I have discovered that the most wonderful feeling in the universe is the love that fills my heart to the point of it breaking every time you smile at me. If I could bottle that feeling and sell it on e-Bay, I would be a rich, rich woman. But not as rich as I feel for having you in my life.

What I wasn't prepared to discover since your birthday, however, is the sadness that I sometimes feel when I think about the future. It has nothing to do with anything you've done; I just have never been more acutely aware of humanity's mortality than I am now. My heart gets heavy with dread and sorrow every time I think of the nasty accessories that can come with life when you buy into it. I am terrified of what might hurt you someday, and I feel so inadequate that I can't protect you from these things. Like global warming. And the West Nile Virus. And mean bullies on the playground. And drunk drivers. And Don Cherry (because he might make you feel pressured to not wear a full face mask when you're playing hockey. There's a reason you don't wear a full face mask. It's cuz you've got nothing to lose. And - trust me - anyone who has seen your pictures will agree with me when I say that you've got a lot to lose, you handsome little devil!)

So I recycle more now since you've been born. And I remind myself every day that even though there are a million bad things in this world, there are a million more that are good. Great, even. Like the fresh smell of the city streets after the rain has cleaned them. Like the sound of a guitar and friends laughing while sitting around a campfire. Like the sight of your family when you walk off a plane and into their love after going for far too long without seeing them.

Like you.

Baby Boh, I am so humbled that you love me, since I know you didn't choose me to be your mommy. I just got incredibly lucky. So I promise I will try every day of my life to earn the love you give to me, to earn your smiles. (But that doesn't mean that you will be able to stay out late or not eat your vegetables, so don't even try it.) Happy two month birthday, little guy. I love you so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so much.

Love,

Mommy

(P.S. You liked red grapes when you were in my tummy. Just wanted to make sure you knew.)